9/?? Wandering Light
A throwback free flow writing from my pre-substack era.
Monday, May 4th, 2026
Wandering light. Those words just popped into my mind. Light does not seem to wander though. Light seems to have a very specific trajectory. And when it reflects it seems to maintain a different trajectory that is correlated with its initial direction and momentum. Are my thoughts like light? Or do my thoughts have the ability to wander. It seems very clear to me that my thoughts do indeed wander as I can’t seem to stay focused without a great deal of effort. However, I must ask is the focus of my thoughts an attempt to resist wandering or is it a reflection of the initial trajectory? Now I feel I am approaching not make sense. Or trying to make sense when there is none to actually be made? Or am I discovering a new way of thinking, seeing and understanding? Who knows?!
I am currently in the process of deconstructing my views of psychology as I was formerly in the process of deconstructing my views of Christianity and the surrounding iterations of it. I did not go to college or grad school with the intent of becoming a therapist. Although to be honest there was a part of me that had a inkling of this trajectory my life would take. When I was a junior in high school I recall writing a paper on what I would do with my life and I wrote about becoming a christian counselor. I had never been to therapy mind you. I don’t even know if I really knew what counseling was other than I knew counselors helped people. I wanted to be of service in helping people, in particular I wanted to help them find peace with God. Wild how it all plays out, isn’t it?
So here I am at 50 years old having spent the first 25 years of my life having fully engaging and working through Christianity. And now the second 25 years of my life have been spent working in a private practice as a mental health counselor. It took me 25 years to deconstruct Christianity. I think I am right on queue for deconstructing the mental health system.
Reading Anti-Oedipus by Deleuze and Guattarri is proving to be an exclamation point in my process. I especially resonate with how twitchy witch is teaching this text. I still do not feel like I can yet speak of what I am learning, however I definitely am feeling a connection or should I say flow of a powerful through line that connects my understanding of the personal, the political and the philosophical. All in an effort to bring about the practical shift towards releasing the limitations of the biologically driven colonial fascist mindset that is destroying the world one person and ecosystem at a time.
I want to purge all colonial fascist thought from not only my mind, but also my body. Over the last several years I have been learning about the biological skew that affects my perception that then reverberates back into my body. I now also focus on my philosophical perception to be aware of how my colonized fascist mind has wreaked havoc on my body. Causing my body to react in ways that reinforce the colonial fascist fear and desperate demand for security, comfort, and excess. It feels so embarrassing to look at my own internalization of these ways of limiting reality and how I have perpetuated them against myself and against the world around me. How could I be so complicit when I do not ascribe to these perspectives?!
This comes back to the strange and what I thought was random way I started writing today. Wandering Light. Yet light does not wander. Light is a trajectory flow that fills every direction. Light is like being in an ocean except that all it takes to exit is a boundary. A limitation. Something non translucent. The shadow always exposes the shape of that which is blocking it. I fear, no I acknowledge I hold the shadow shape of colonial fascist ideology. My body holds the contortions of limitations that I have held against myself.
In a very practical way I am going to the gym and meeting with a trainer twice a week. The current goal is to help grow my awareness of muscles in my back that are greatly underutilized. So much so that I even have a hard time feeling what it is like to engage them. With repeated practice and intention I am growing my awareness and engaging my back in a way that is bringing strength. In turn this is releasing the over reliance I have had on other muscles. My body is so used to avoiding certain aspects of itself that it takes having a trained professional to help me understand. This is the direction I am learning to wander and grow in my post-christian & post-mental health counseling self.
